So... I am at home... trying to adjust to life with baby. Luckily, my dear sweet husband is around to help me until next week, when he returns back to work. I don't know what I would be doing without him.
But today was a low for me... I am having the hardest time feeling as though I am doing this right... I am constantly feeding, changing, or soothing... and not myself! I understand that Ryan is just a baby... and that he needs me... but I don't feel as thought he really needs me. His dad can change a diaper... there is formula in the cabinet... what good am I anyway in this little escapade? I don't even think he's happy when I hold him... all he does is cry.
And lately... me too.
I am not sleeping well... or at all... because this child insists on sleeping on me... last night I "went to bed" at 10pm... Ryan was up until midnight... wanting to be fed... again... and then cried... I couldn't figure out anything to make him go to sleep... and my lovely DH's just asks "What do you need?" I need this child to just go to sleep! That's what I need! I am pretty sure that Ryan cried himself to sleep last night on my chest... frustrated to the point of exhaustion...
But... reflecting on last night... is that really what I need? Did I really need Ryan to just fall asleep? I think what I really needed was some kind of sign that I am doing ok... something that says "yeah... it may be rough... but it's going to be ok." I didn't get that... or anything that looked like it. I didn't feel happy trying to nurse that little boy.... I felt extreme pain... I felt as though I was losing myself every time I whispered my "shhhhhhh" to him. I felt so alone as I heard my husband snoring away right next to me... what I really needed was a hug. Or even some help... but neither of those were there fast enough.
I need to be happy. I need to feel like this child is better off with me as a parent. I need to find my purpose... and I just pray it's not to be stuck in this endless "Groundhog's Day" marathon of feeling like I am just here...
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Tabitha, I was there. I SO was there. It's incredibly difficult taking care of a newborn and breastfeeding and feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and alone. And no matter how wonderful and loving your husband is, he's not a Mom. It's just different for us.
I am positive you are doing an amazing job caring for Ryan. If you ever need anything...even just to talk or vent or whatever...please let me know. Being a new mom is hard and overwhelming and scary. I felt just like you feel so many times. You're normal. You will get through this and have a happy, healthy, fun baby who makes your heart want to burst with love. I promise. For now, don't be too hard on yourself, ok? You're doing great!
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