So... I am at home... trying to adjust to life with baby. Luckily, my dear sweet husband is around to help me until next week, when he returns back to work. I don't know what I would be doing without him.
But today was a low for me... I am having the hardest time feeling as though I am doing this right... I am constantly feeding, changing, or soothing... and not myself! I understand that Ryan is just a baby... and that he needs me... but I don't feel as thought he really needs me. His dad can change a diaper... there is formula in the cabinet... what good am I anyway in this little escapade? I don't even think he's happy when I hold him... all he does is cry.
And lately... me too.
I am not sleeping well... or at all... because this child insists on sleeping on me... last night I "went to bed" at 10pm... Ryan was up until midnight... wanting to be fed... again... and then cried... I couldn't figure out anything to make him go to sleep... and my lovely DH's just asks "What do you need?" I need this child to just go to sleep! That's what I need! I am pretty sure that Ryan cried himself to sleep last night on my chest... frustrated to the point of exhaustion...
But... reflecting on last night... is that really what I need? Did I really need Ryan to just fall asleep? I think what I really needed was some kind of sign that I am doing ok... something that says "yeah... it may be rough... but it's going to be ok." I didn't get that... or anything that looked like it. I didn't feel happy trying to nurse that little boy.... I felt extreme pain... I felt as though I was losing myself every time I whispered my "shhhhhhh" to him. I felt so alone as I heard my husband snoring away right next to me... what I really needed was a hug. Or even some help... but neither of those were there fast enough.
I need to be happy. I need to feel like this child is better off with me as a parent. I need to find my purpose... and I just pray it's not to be stuck in this endless "Groundhog's Day" marathon of feeling like I am just here...
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
I'm a mom...
My Baby is here!
Ryan Gavin
8lbs, 8oz
20.5 inches long
November 13, 2007
9:36am
Here is my birth story...
On Tuesday (11/13) morning, I woke up with a bad pain in my left abdomen. I could have sworn it was appendicitis, but it was on the wrong side... and it wasn't letting up. After about an hour of trying to get comfortable, I woke Dustin up. He encouraged me to try a warm shower.... which took my mind off the pain, but didn't make it go away. It wasn't getting any worse, but it also wasn't getting any better. He called Janice at the 2 hour mark, telling her that I didn't think it was contractions. That comment was enough to worry Janice, and she told us to get to the ER asap! We left the house at 8:45am.
We got to the ER and by that point, I couldn't even walk. Dustin had to get the wheelchair and bring it to me in the parking lot, and get me checked in. The wheeled me straight to a bed... no waiting for me! I was hooked up to all the monitors and I was begging for pain meds.
Unfortunetly, since they didn't know what was wrong with me, they couldn't give me anything. I was in tears, and my internal exam seriously caused screams (I later felt bad for the other girls in triage the same time as me... I swear some of them probably crossed their legs extra tight to avoid the pain I was in). The monitors reveiled that I was having contractions 1 minute apart, in addition to my pain, and in between contractions my uterus wasn't relaxing. Baby's heartbeat was at 180 beats per minute. I was a 8 on the pain scale... they called Janice to determine next steps... Time: 9:05am
Janice says "prep her for a c-section... Dr. Kells will be there shortly". Dr Kells jumps in his little Mercedes and gets to the hospital in record time! I am set for surgery, but they can't find the veins to set up the IV because I am too cold and the anesthesiologist needs 2 lines! They tell Dustin and me that because I didn't have time for an epidural, they are going to have to use a general anesthetic and I will be asleep for Baby's birth. Another issue is that Dustin will not be allowed in the operating room. Dustin starts calling our parents to get them to the hospital. Time: 9:17am
I was wheeled back to the operating room... crying the whole time... and it felt like every little thing that they did was torture! I could feel every little time they would remove tape or try to find a vein. I couldn't breathe and I was still in a ton of pain. Finally, Dr Kells said "We're Ready"... and I don't remember the rest. Time: 9:25am
Ryan was born! 8lbs, 8oz, 20.5 inches. Time: 9:36am.
I woke up in the recovery room... and the nurse was awesome trying to make me comfortable. The problem with general anesthetic is that they have to start to manage your pain from a 8 down... not like an epi where they already have pain managed.. and just maintain it. It took a while... and I was really drugged up from the morphine, phentenyl, and one other drug... but I was comfortable. I asked the nurse what we had, and she told me that we had a beautiful baby boy! Dustin came in and told me "I told them his name was Ryan Gavin.... that was right, right??" Time: 11:45am.
Ryan is beautiful... he had a few problems at first though. After the Dr got in, he realized that Ryan had meconium in the amniotic fluid. His breathing was much too fast, and it was clear he was in distress in the womb. He had inhaled some meconium and they even believed he could have pnuemonia. Dustin was handed the baby after birth, and he was allowed to carry him to the nursery... but after that, nobody could hold him until he was stable. They put him under the oxygen hood, and put him on all of the necessary monitors. I actually didn't get to see Ryan until 6pm that night. The hardest thing in the world is hearing how beautiful your little boy is from everyone else who has gone to the nursery to see him, and all you have are a few digital pictures. Dustin took a few videos with the camera too to try to help me make the best of the situation.
Ryan ended up with a clean bill of health. All of his x-rays cleared up in a few days... he was breathing on his own and without any additional oxygen... and I was able to hold him the next day! He was moved to our room on Thursday... the best day of my life... it was the day that everything started to become real. He was able to stay overnight and although we didn't get much sleep... I wouldn't have traded it for the world!
We are home now... and besides the allergic reaction I had to the tape they used on my incision... we are both doing great!
And... for those that need a few pictures... http://www.babylehman.com/... check out "I'm Here!" I am going to add some at home pictures in just a few minutes... but there are a couple from the hospital. :o)
Ryan Gavin
8lbs, 8oz
20.5 inches long
November 13, 2007
9:36am
Here is my birth story...
On Tuesday (11/13) morning, I woke up with a bad pain in my left abdomen. I could have sworn it was appendicitis, but it was on the wrong side... and it wasn't letting up. After about an hour of trying to get comfortable, I woke Dustin up. He encouraged me to try a warm shower.... which took my mind off the pain, but didn't make it go away. It wasn't getting any worse, but it also wasn't getting any better. He called Janice at the 2 hour mark, telling her that I didn't think it was contractions. That comment was enough to worry Janice, and she told us to get to the ER asap! We left the house at 8:45am.
We got to the ER and by that point, I couldn't even walk. Dustin had to get the wheelchair and bring it to me in the parking lot, and get me checked in. The wheeled me straight to a bed... no waiting for me! I was hooked up to all the monitors and I was begging for pain meds.
Unfortunetly, since they didn't know what was wrong with me, they couldn't give me anything. I was in tears, and my internal exam seriously caused screams (I later felt bad for the other girls in triage the same time as me... I swear some of them probably crossed their legs extra tight to avoid the pain I was in). The monitors reveiled that I was having contractions 1 minute apart, in addition to my pain, and in between contractions my uterus wasn't relaxing. Baby's heartbeat was at 180 beats per minute. I was a 8 on the pain scale... they called Janice to determine next steps... Time: 9:05am
Janice says "prep her for a c-section... Dr. Kells will be there shortly". Dr Kells jumps in his little Mercedes and gets to the hospital in record time! I am set for surgery, but they can't find the veins to set up the IV because I am too cold and the anesthesiologist needs 2 lines! They tell Dustin and me that because I didn't have time for an epidural, they are going to have to use a general anesthetic and I will be asleep for Baby's birth. Another issue is that Dustin will not be allowed in the operating room. Dustin starts calling our parents to get them to the hospital. Time: 9:17am
I was wheeled back to the operating room... crying the whole time... and it felt like every little thing that they did was torture! I could feel every little time they would remove tape or try to find a vein. I couldn't breathe and I was still in a ton of pain. Finally, Dr Kells said "We're Ready"... and I don't remember the rest. Time: 9:25am
Ryan was born! 8lbs, 8oz, 20.5 inches. Time: 9:36am.
I woke up in the recovery room... and the nurse was awesome trying to make me comfortable. The problem with general anesthetic is that they have to start to manage your pain from a 8 down... not like an epi where they already have pain managed.. and just maintain it. It took a while... and I was really drugged up from the morphine, phentenyl, and one other drug... but I was comfortable. I asked the nurse what we had, and she told me that we had a beautiful baby boy! Dustin came in and told me "I told them his name was Ryan Gavin.... that was right, right??" Time: 11:45am.
Ryan is beautiful... he had a few problems at first though. After the Dr got in, he realized that Ryan had meconium in the amniotic fluid. His breathing was much too fast, and it was clear he was in distress in the womb. He had inhaled some meconium and they even believed he could have pnuemonia. Dustin was handed the baby after birth, and he was allowed to carry him to the nursery... but after that, nobody could hold him until he was stable. They put him under the oxygen hood, and put him on all of the necessary monitors. I actually didn't get to see Ryan until 6pm that night. The hardest thing in the world is hearing how beautiful your little boy is from everyone else who has gone to the nursery to see him, and all you have are a few digital pictures. Dustin took a few videos with the camera too to try to help me make the best of the situation.
Ryan ended up with a clean bill of health. All of his x-rays cleared up in a few days... he was breathing on his own and without any additional oxygen... and I was able to hold him the next day! He was moved to our room on Thursday... the best day of my life... it was the day that everything started to become real. He was able to stay overnight and although we didn't get much sleep... I wouldn't have traded it for the world!
We are home now... and besides the allergic reaction I had to the tape they used on my incision... we are both doing great!
And... for those that need a few pictures... http://www.babylehman.com/... check out "I'm Here!" I am going to add some at home pictures in just a few minutes... but there are a couple from the hospital. :o)
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